youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize