it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
