I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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