Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
