Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
