It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
