Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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