I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
