when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
