That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
