i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
