ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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