You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
