so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize