the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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