I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
