I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she told me i tasted like america
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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