My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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