I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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