Welp...herpes.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
