We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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