Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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