Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
