Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
