I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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