we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
