Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
