apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
