Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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