I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
