I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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