Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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