I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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