The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize