I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
