I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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