Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dear god my vagina.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
