Define "chronic" masturbator.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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