Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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