From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
this boner is exhausting
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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