sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The power of my boobs compel you
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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