If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
