Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize