Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My ass is underappreciated
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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