i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
