Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
