I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
