so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
