...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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