The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
