Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
