I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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