So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
