Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
