My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
