You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
