"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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