Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
