how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
