$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
