so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize