3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
