Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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