The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
