oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
