Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
