Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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