how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
