The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
