We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize